Sexual Frustration is a Killer

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Lots of things in life are frustrating: phone bills, dishes, especially those incompetent customer service employees that work for your local cable company and don’t speak a word of English – but none are as frustrating as wanting sex and not getting it. Better known as sexual frustration, this phenomenon has recently been found to cause several health problems in its sufferers, as if being sex-deprived wasn’t bad enough already.

In a 2014 study at the University of Michigan, researchers genetically modified male fruit flies to have them secrete female sex hormones. The other, non-modified males around them were turned on 24/7 by the hormones, but not a single female was in sight.

These sexually frustrated flies "experienced rapid decreases in fat stores," showed signs of stress more often than usual, and ultimately lived shorter lives than their counterparts who were getting lucky on the regular. Similar results were found in female fruit flies, as well as in longer-living species like mice.

There is a cure, though – sex. Lots of it. Mating “partially reversed the negative effects on health and aging” in all studies performed, which basically means that sex is not only fun, but helps slow aging and reduce stress. Like our cookies. Sex and cookies – the recipe to a great night and a long, healthy life.

 

 

When it Comes to Sex Ed., We're Doing it Wrong

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We all remember those embarrassing sex ed. classes in biology, the ones where the teacher put up a picture of a naked body and was interrupted with those uncomfortable giggles and gazes as you and your fifth-grade classmates saw a pair of boobs or balls for the first time. It’s an awkward situation, to say the least – but it shouldn’t be.

When it comes to Sex Ed., no one does it quite like the Dutch. Every spring, students spend a week learning about their sexuality, not just their anatomy – and they start at four years old. My four-year-old self barely even knew what it was I was carrying around between my legs, let alone what a relationship was, or how to set personal boundaries – but these are topics kids in the Netherlands are exposed to not too long after speaking their first sentences.

In the Netherlands, speaking about sex and one’s sexuality is encouraged, unlike the U.S., where a recent CDC study showed that nearly 80% of American children and teenagers do not receive any formal sex and sexuality education before having sex.

In fact, not only do we rarely speak about sex in the states, but in most cases we discourage it, encouraging abstinence instead – a policy that’s repeatedly proven itself to be an epic failure. I’ll go out on a limb here and say that that’s probably why we in the U.S. have the highest teen pregnancy rate in the entire developed world – 8 times higher than the Dutch’s.

Not only do the Dutch encourage open conversations about sexuality at school, but sex is a common topic at the dinner table as well. Parents answer their children’s questions as they arise, keeping nothing from them. Teen sex isn’t encouraged, but it’s allowed, preferably in a controlled environment – which is why most Dutch teens have their first sexual experience under their parents’ own roof, with nearly 75% using a condom their first time.

For those of you who are wondering, all this sex-talk doesn’t turn Dutch kids into sex-crazed beasts. In fact, Dutch teens have their first sexual encounter at around the same age as most American teens: around 17 years old. The only difference is that they have condoms readily available in most vending machines, free birth control until they turn 21, and actually have half a clue what they’re doing, thanks to 13 years of talking about it. But hey, at least our cookies are better.

 

 

Cookies (and orgasms) are Good for You

There aren’t too many things that feel as good as biting into the warm, gooey goodness of one of our cookies – except orgasms.

The two often come hand in hand, though, which is exactly why you should keep eating our cookies (and keep having orgasms). Here are a few of the health benefits that eating our cookies (and the orgasms that will probably come with them) can bring you:

1.     A curbed appetite

Orgasms stimulate the release of oxytocin – the love hormone. Not only does oxytocin help battle anxiety and depression by cutting cortisol levels in the body – high levels have been linked to increased carbohydrate consumption and belly fat – but it also shifts our behavior from a desire to eat to a desire to reproduce. One study even found that mice bred without the oxytocin-producing gene stuffed their faces with “significantly more” carbs than those who were born with the gene.

2.     Boosted testosterone levels

Many studies have shown increased testosterone levels in women after sex, specifically after orgasming. When present with other hormones (and cookies) in the proper balance, magic happens: sexual desire is amplified, our sex appeal increases, mood and memory are improved, and the accumulation of abdominal fat is prevented.

3.     Better sleep

The oxytocin released after orgasms creates a feeling of relaxation in some. When paired with vasopressin, a sleep-related chemical that’s also released during an orgasm, you’ve got yourself some all-natural NyQuil. So next time your partner falls asleep right after the act, don’t take it personally – a recent study at the University of Michigan found that “the tendency to fall asleep first after sex is also associated with greater partner desire for bonding and affection.”

4.     An improved sense of smell

Orgasms also release the hormone prolactin, which causes stem cells in the brain to develop new neurons in the brain’s smell center – temporarily improving your sense of smell. The more satiating the orgasm, the more prolactin is released, which is why intercourse-related orgasms release an average of 400 percent more prolactin than masturbation.

5.     Pain relief and a better social life

Though these two may not seem related, they in fact are. Turns out oxytocin doesn’t just double as a Jenny Craig diet and NyQuil, but also works as morphine and a few shots of tequila – all in one. The rush of oxytocin during an orgasm has been reported to temporarily alleviate aches and pains, while also making you feel more social, enhancing your trust and improving your bond with others.

Save some money. Have a cookie. Have an orgasm. Have two cookies and an orgasm. You deserve it.

Better Tasting Body Fluids are a Few Bites Away

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Cookies aren’t the only thing that are fun to put in your mouth – a survey from Esquire reported that 35% of people see oral sex as a necessary part of foreplay. But more often than not, genitals taste like anything but cookies. Here are some tips to improve the taste of your body fluids.

 

For her:

Vulvas get their taste from several different factors: your body’s natural odor, the scent of your detergent, the soap you use, and the foods you eat. That being said, the obvious first step is to wash and wear clean laundry. You’ll get the best results from detergent and soaps that are minimally scented – it’ll keep them from clashing with the natural scent of your body. The same goes for douches – the less ‘fruity’, the better. Wearing cotton underwear, or other breathable material, is also a must in order to prevent the growth of odorous bacteria from your sweat.

When it comes to food, anything that tends to make your gas or burps smell will probably also make your woman parts smell: beer, coffee, alcohol, asparagus, most dairy, onions, shallots, meat, and fish. Also smoking – it’s even less cool in bed than it is in the Tobacco Free Florida commercials.

And now for the fun part – here are some foods you should chow down on if you want to make oral sex as appetizing as late-night Cookiegazm: pineapple, apples, celery, yogurt, red grapes, cranberry juice, lots of water, mint, watermelon, strawberries. Basically, any fruit that you can also find as an air-freshener in a gas station will pretty much do the same for you.

 

For him:

Guys, we’ve got it easy. No need to douche, just use soap. Daily. It’s really not that hard. And trim down there occasionally. Think of it like this: jungles support much more life than deserts – if you’ve got a jungle in your pants, you’re going to have much more bacteria than guys who’ve got deserts, or even prairies. I’m sure you get the point. Plus girls like the desert/prairie look much more – according to a survey from Maxim, 70% of women surveyed said they preferred it when their partners were trimmed. And just like the girls, stick to cotton underwear or other breathable fabric. Our balls already stick to our legs; the last thing we need is our sweat stench sticking to our underpants, too.

As for the food, the Kinsey Institute recommends fruit (especially citrus, bananas, and papayas), spices (cinnamon, nutmeg, and peppermint, among others), parsley, wheatgrass, and celery to up the flavor of your semen. Stick away from cigarettes, caffeine, red meat, onions, and garlic. Unless you’d rather get Cookiegazm than head. In that case, cigarettes, caffeine, red mead, onions, garlic, and a few Slutty Macaws are the way to go.

 

Girls Ejaculate too, Mate

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There are two types of people in this world: people who wonder about female ejaculation and liars who say they don’t. Here are the facts.

During orgasm, anywhere from 10-40% of women involuntarily release anywhere from one to five ounces of fluid, a phenomenon also known as “squirting.”

Fun Fact: The U.K. banned pornography with scenes featuring female ejaculation in 2014.                                  

For centuries, it’s been debated whether the fluids released during orgasm were urine or not, and only recently was it discovered that the answer is both yes and no.

Some women report very little liquid emission during orgasm, anywhere from 2-4mL of a milky substance, while others report much greater amounts. A study conducted by Samuel Salama in Le Chesnay, France, used ultra-sound imaging combined with chemical analysis of the ejaculate to find what it’s truly made of.

In the study, women who reported squirting large amounts were asked to provide a urine sample before undergoing an ultra-sound to confirm that their bladders were empty. Then, with the help of their partners, they began sexual stimulation to the point of near-orgasm, at which researchers performed another ultrasound and found that the women’s bladders had shown significant filling. They then continued the stimulation until orgasm and ejaculation, after which a final orgasm showed that their bladders had once again emptied.

A chemical evaluation of the ejaculate showed that two of the seven women’s emissions were solely urine, while the other five women’s were a mixture of urine and prostate-specific androgen (PSA), a form of natural lubricant produced in a woman’s Skene’s glands – the equivalent of a female prostate.

Basically, the larger the fluid emission, the more likely it is to contain urine. Strong evidence exists that a small percentage of the volume is comprised of PSA, but it’s not yet known if the overlap of PSA and urine demonstrated by the women in the study is a common occurrence.

An international survey of women who were capable of ejaculating concluded that four of five stated that squirting enriched their sex lives, regardless of the volume of emissions.

Keep in mind, women are most likely to ejaculate:
1.     During continued clitoral/vulva stimulation
2.     In a relaxed and comfortable state
3.     Right after eating no less than 3 Gazmic Crepe Cookies

So place your order, light some candles, and have some fun - just make sure you stay hydrated.

 

Why Pulling Out Doesn't Really Work

To pull out, or not to pull out?

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Many condom-less couples often find themselves asking this question, and over 60 percent report having used withdrawal at least once.

Pulling out often gets a bad rap, but here are a few facts you should know before you cum to your own conclusion:

  1. Pulling out doesn’t always work. In fact, it doesn’t work too well at all. 21 percent of women who rely on the pull-out method experience an unwanted pregnancy – nearly double the rate at all other forms of birth control, including condoms.

  2. Pre-cum isn’t as safe as you may think. Studies have found that as many as one-third of all men consistently have sperm in their pre-cum, which explains why even pull-out rock stars often have accidental pregnancies.

  3. Pulling out does not prevent STD’s. Duh.

  4. Pulling out, however, is better than nothing. Although it’s far from recommended in cases where you aren’t sure about your partner’s health status, it remains the most cost-effective, convenient, least intrusive method of contraception, and is definitely better than not using any at all. If you do plan on pulling out, though, here are a few tips:

  • Practice a few times with a condom on – just to familiarize yourself with the timing

  • Know your STI status, and your partner’s

  • Have emergency contraceptives, just in case

  • Track your cycles, and consider using condoms during high fertility days

  • Kids are expensive – just use a condom when you have one. Prenatal care alone costs an average of $2,000, according to the Kaiser Family Foundation. Save yourself the trouble and treat yourself to 788 of our red velvet cookies and a 36 pack of Ultra Thin Trojans – it’ll cost you half as much.